The last three months of my life have felt like a true test of my patience, perseverance, and ability to pivot. Broken dreams, dashed goals, realities of expectations that went the complete opposite way of what I had anticipated - I’ve been trying my best to not get bogged down in the miserable feeling of it all, but at times it’s been hard.. to say the least.
The latest in this whole “life throwing lemons” saga included a visit to the ER. Thankfully I am okay, and no one was seriously hurt. However, I’ve been recuperating from my injuries and it’s affected my ability to work. And when work is affected, that means finances are affected, which is pretty good fodder for negative thoughts, stress, anxiety, on top of trying to be positive and calm and stress-free in order to allow my body to heal. It’s been a real trip. It’s been challenging trying to stay calm and not allow those types of thoughts to infiltrate my mind when I literally have been doing nothing at home. And I’ve consciously been trying to do nothing at home because I know that’s what my body needs in order to heal. But then the monotony of doing nothing provides an excellent breeding ground for bad thoughts…
On a more positive note, it’s been nine days since the accident happened and I’ve been recovering well. I have to be careful though, because I feel like physically, I look better than how I feel inside. My face still hurts to use it, though from a glance you wouldn’t be able to tell. I know I’m not okay yet because little things still take more effort than what I’m used to. When I wash dishes, I think I’m using the right amount of strength but the food doesn’t come off the dishware.. and I have to scrub harder. When I take walks outside, I get tired 1/3 of the way through whereas before I could walk the entirety no problem. I get tired after eating because that process involves a lot of using my face muscles which is where 95% of my injuries are. Things like these let me know my body is not 100% back to health yet… which is okay, it’s okay. I try to remind myself it’s okay. But it’s hard when it’s been more than a week and I feel like life is passing me by and my bank account isn’t sitting happily.
Life has been a trip and I have not been a fan. I honestly feel like the last three months have dealt me some real unexpected cards. But I am really trying to keep my head above water and not let myself get dragged down in the sad, annoying void of it all. I’ve been trying to practise mindfulness and breathing. It works, when I actually remember to do it.
I’ve never felt this physically incapable. I don’t do sports, I am not a very physical or active person (I wish I could say differently). I don’t fare well with injuries or blood or pain of any kind really. It’s been a new experience for me to move this slow and do this amount of nothing-ness for the time that I have. I miss when I could go about my day and not feel tired from one simple task of eating. I miss not feeling sore or bruised or swollen throughout my body.
I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. I’m just trying to do what I can in order to get through this. I know I will, but the meantime is the hard part. Trying to remind myself I am more than just the body that has been sitting home for a week+. Health really is wealth.